"I was very well prepared for childbirth, but everything went wrong." Or why careful preparation for childbirth doesn't save you if your initial expectations are unrealistic?

"In Israel, women aren't allowed to get up for several hours after an epidural, even after giving birth, supposedly to prevent them from falling — that's the protocol," my client, with whom we are preparing for her second birth, told me.

Discussing her previous traumatic experience in Tbilisi, we sorted through and culled through her expectations for her first birth, her preparation, her priorities at the time, and highlighted what was actually important.

It turned out that all her positive memories were associated with what happened after the birth. For example, despite the epidural during labor, she was allowed to get up and shower soon after the baby was born. Sadly though, she didn't have a single positive memory of the birth itself...

Where you come from is engrained in you.

Working with women from different countries, I often notice how, when preparing for their first birth, they rely on generalized knowledge about childbirth through the prism of their own cultures:

"Women are treated terribly in Russia," "In Israel they won't let you get up after an endoscopic procedure," "In America you can't choose your doctor," "In Armenia you can't give birth without intervention," "In Kazakhstan they won't let your husband in"...

For some, this is true, but more often than not, it's not an objective truth, and as a result, you can find everything you need and have a wonderful birth in almost any country. That's not the point. The point is that this generalized knowledge often becomes a filter through which a woman views an unfamiliar system — and chooses the clinic where one particular factor stands out compared to what she's used to at home:

— The renovation here is better, cleaner, and has modern finishings than bug-infested birth facilities back home.

— Here they bring food 4 times a day, and back home we only get 1, or we have to bring our own food.

— Here they let you take a shower right after giving birth - back home we don’t even have showers in the whole unit.

— Here the doctor smiles and is not rude - and back home doctors won’t spend with you even two minutes during the appointment.

And my favorite:

— Back home (in Spain, for example), you have to book an appointment at least a month in advance to speak with a doctor/midwife, but in Georgia you can call or text the doctor anytime. Wow, that's great, I'll choose this doctor!

These criteria aren't "wrong." They reflect our cultural code and how we understand safety. But they alone are often insufficient to truly prepare for childbirth — for your own birth, not for childbirth in general.

Sometimes women choose a maternity hospital or doctor not because of a shortage, but based on similarity:

— Oh, in my country you can take anyone you want with you to the birth, here you can too, I’ll choose this maternity hospital.

— Back home they give anesthesia at any moment, that’s important to me, and that’s how they do it here too.

— The doctor speaks English, phew, (sigh of relief), that means they’ll explain everything to me and give me advice in the process.

The selection criteria we use greatly influence the experience we ultimately have.

It's logical that the similarity criterion is more likely to work to our advantage. Whereas the "anything but better than home" criterion can sometimes backfire — if there's nothing else behind it.

To avoid making mistakes, it is important to understand the following for quality preparation for childbirth:

1. What is really important to me, how do I want to feel?

2. Based on point 1, what information should I look for in advance?

By focusing on these questions, my client unexpectedly created a birth plan consisting of just 5 points:

- protection from my partner when I'm vulnerable

- have everything explained to me, feel supported and have anything done with my informed consent

- have options

- stay connected to my body to understand what is happening to it and help myself as needed at the moment

- have time.

And yes, the truth is that the willingness to look at one's birth so deeply often comes after a previous experience, where a woman was well-prepared in theory but didn't receive the necessary support to apply that knowledge in the moment. After learning a lot, choosing a maternity hospital/doctor based on logic, the end result is great disappointment, loneliness, abandonment, and a lack of understanding of how this happened to me.

This is where my work as a perinatal specialist begins. I work with women from all over the world, and I see how different "good birth" looks across cultures. Personalized childbirth preparation isn't a general course on contractions and epidurals. It's about you specifically: your history, your country, your safety language. So that in the moment, you have not just a plan, but support.

If you want to do things differently next time, or prepare for childbirth in another country even if you've had a positive experience before, come in for a consultation .